I have some serious issues.

It really just figures.

When I've finally got the money, the need, and maybe even the courage to go to the doctors about my anxiety issues, I don't have any darn time!

With everything going on with my Grandma, and with Travis my anxiety levels are just. Blech.

You don't have to be having an anxiety attack to be having really bad anxiety. I haven't had an anxiety attack since Friday night, but that dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like the world is about to implode every moment of every day, it's going nuts.

Typically for me things make me anxious more easily than they would other people, I will get a bad case of anxiety for a few hours for no reason, or some times there are of course the anxiety attacks. But I've had my bad case of anxiety since Friday. It's literally making me feel physically ill. My anxiety is mixing in with depression and it's just a horrible affair.

I've been dealing with anxiety for a large chunk of time by now, I've handled it, probably not that well. There have been times when I've thought I couldn't handle it. Times when I knew it was time to go to the doctors, it gets worse, the situational anxiety starts showing up less and less often and the sudden no rhyme or reason anxiety starts showing up more often. I've realized a few times that it was interfering with my every day life, that it was taking over, crippling me in a sense. But I always get through it and tell myself it was just a bad spell.

Well now with the Travis thing, and waiting for the results of Grandma's biopsy, the idea of going back to court, and the terrifying realness of actually putting yourself out there, I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through the next few weeks. I know I need to seek help. But I get too much anxiety about going to doctors. Which is why I haven't gone yet. That along with the fact that I really just don't like pills, I don't even typically take tylenol when I have a head ache. Just...not my thing. I really don't want to be dependent on some strange substance in my body to keep me feel normal.

Exercise helps. Eating right even does too! I feel better physically, and I'm so excited about how I feel physically that it's even boosting me mentally. But I'm not right in my head. The hamsters in my brain run too fast, my body can't keep up. I know I need to go see a doctor but EW. Doctors.


With the help of a good friend I came to realize my relationship with Travis is even more effed than I thought. I mean, I know we obviously don't get along. He cheated on me for over three years of our relationship, he even lived with the chick at one point while we were together. Our son had a surgery and he would sneak into the bathrooms to text her how he missed her while we were in the hospital. Real class act. We broke up and a few weeks later I dated his best friend while he obviously dated the other women. Another few weeks later and we were back together.

We've been on again off again for six years. I thought the relationship was bad because we fight, because he had cheated, because he feels betrayed I have been with two of his friends (while we were apart of course, I've never cheated) there was once he slapped me, and one fun filled night where he pushed me around the whole house, onto the ground, into walls, cabinet, screaming at me and eventually punched and cracked my wall. I thought we had issues because we just had issues.

But I realized today that I have more issues than I realized. There have been several occasions where I had met and started talking to someone new. His best friend for example was the only one I dated, but I tend to drop these people for Travis. I don't even want to be with Travis, I don't think I even like Travis, I know there is no future, and certainly not a happy one even if there was, for the two of us. And yet I can't go.

When I see him I feel like I'm supposed to kiss him, to hold his hand, to tell him I love him. It's like I honestly don't know how not to be with him. Which is ridiculous since I live without him every day and even when he's here I still have to do my cleaning and cooking and we never sleep together even if he would stay. Even when we are together we might as well not be.

But when he's mad at me, I'm desperate to make him talk to me, I'm desperate to make him love me, I don't know what to do with myself. You'd swear I was some beaten, battered wife or something but I'm not. He just has this crazy strong unbreakable hold on me.

I'm trying hard to break it. We've been pretty distant up until Friday, and since then we've done nothing but fight. Our fighting, I mean we always fight but when we have a serious fight, has left me a basket case.

I'm very much interested in this guy I met at work. He's great. Attractive, very fit, really funny, he doesn't drink at all which is such a breath of fresh air, a little older than me (I'm 21 and he just turned 28), he likes all the outdoor things I grew up doing but stopped in my teens, he seems really nice, and we do a lot of talking and flirting, and I'm really starting to like him.

But, even though Travis and I have been broken up since May, I haven't even been able to commit to giving this guy my number or to hanging out! Travis is talking to other girls, even spent the night with one, and I can't even give out my phone number? It's ridiculous.

And it's like, everything I do in my life, I do it because of him. If I listen to a sappy love song it's because I'm missing him, if I listen to an angry break up song its because I'm mad at him, the days hes coming over I even put the kids in sports stuff of the teams he likes, I dress to impress him, or to annoy him (I have a I hate the friggin Steelers shirt), even a lot of the facebook statuses I post are either to make him jealous or realize how happy I am without him!

It's absolutely crazy. And I honestly don't even want to be with him, but I just can't stop obsessing. I'm trying. I really am. I have never been like this before in my life. I think maybe it's all the emotional and mental abuse over the years, and I think if I would date someone else, I mean really date, like fully committed kind of date, that I would get better and move on. So I'm trying to see this thing through with this guy from work, to at least give it a chance. I gave him my number finally, we've only been flirting back and forth for more than two months, and I even invited him to come over some Saturday, but nothing specific. So, I mean. That's progress. But I've realized I have some serious issues that need some serious working through.