I've realized that a lot of people don't really understand anxiety. Nor do they understand how to be around someone with anxiety. So I'm going to share some more of my own anxiety tidbits. Basically somethings I feel like you should know about people with anxiety, some of my own anxiety reactions, and things not to say to someone who has anxiety.
We look like normal people
You'd be surprised that the person sitting right beside you could be having anxiety right this very second. Anxiety is not the same as an anxiety attack, though most people with serious anxiety problems will experience them and even those who don't have an anxiety disorder can have panic attacks if provoked. The funny thing though, when someone is having a lot of anxiety, the look just about the same as you and I, only maybe sometimes a little sweatier.Fight or flight reaction
There is something called a fight or flight reaction, and when I'm having anxiety, I'm all for flight. I have this overwhelming urge to just go. Go where? I haven't the slightest clue, I just feel like I need to get the hell out of this place. Often times that's not possible, like say if I'm at work, or in the middle of taking a leak when the anxiety strikes. If I'm in a situation where I can get up and leave the room I still feel exactly the same from three rooms away. Anxious, and still feeling the need to run.There is a difference between getting anxiety and having anxiety
When I finally tell people I have anxiety their first question is usually what that means. When I try (because even as a writer, I often struggle to find the perfect words to explain how I feel) to explain what my anxiety means and does to me, I usually get people say "Oh yeah, I get like that sometimes too." It is actually frustrating, I know that people are usually trying to be supportive and all of that. But what it really feels like is that you are belittling the seriousness of anxiety. I don't "get like that sometimes" I don't "Get nervous for important days" I get like that all the time, most of the time for no reason. And 'big days' for me? Usually result in me getting physically ill along with of course the anxiety attacks. I never get nervous, I have a constant feeling of impending doom for no reason.Playing twenty questions
Which brings me to my second point. When I'm having anxiety the question I always get is "Why?"WELL IDFK. I know, that seems like a fairly reasonable question doesn't it? When someone is upset you want to know why, and how you can help? My anxiety doesn't often come with an explaniation, a formal warning. It just happens. I have certain triggers, but a lot of the time I don't understand anymore than you do.
When I tell you I don't know. I just don't know. Bombarding me with other questions isn't going to make me know any sooner, I probably won't ever figure it out. "Well are you stressed at work?" "Did you and Travis have a fight?" "Did I do soemthing." I. DO NOT. EFFING. KNOW! I love that you are invested in my life right now that you want to help but I don't know.
Touching through anxiety
Wanting to help. That brings me right up to my very next point. Now I have another friend who agrees with me on this one but otherwise I'm not sure if it's a typical anxiety issue or if we are both just weird. I do not like to be touched when I'm having a bad spell. I'm not depressed, I don't need a hug. I'm not puking (although that happens sometimes) you don't need to wipe my hair from my face and rub my back. This isn't a romantic stroll down the boardwalk, I don't want my hand held. I hate to sound so downright bitchy but the quickest way to turn my "bad spell" into a "freak out." If you touch me I'm likely going to shrink away or jerk backwards like you've burned me or something. I can't help it. Don't get offended. It's nothing personal, and I might appreciate it later, but not now. If my anxiety is bad enough that I don't want to be touched I'm already struggling, because I almost always have anxiety and I still love hugs and holding hands and cuddling, but when I get to that point where I will openly admit that I'm having anxiety, it's not just a little nervousness. I think one of the big reason I don't like to be touched goes back to the fight or flight reaction. Maybe being touched makes me feel more trapped, bogged down, I don't know. All I know is if I pull my hand away or ask you to please not touch me, I mean that I can't be touched right now.Turning my anxiety problem around for you
I love Travis, but he is the worst person in the world to have anxiety around. When I tell him I'm having anxiety it's automatically "Well I don't know what I did this time" when I don't want to be touched it's "I don't know what the fuck you want me to do" and when I can't talk or calm down or tell him I need a minute it's usually a threat to just leave completely. Don't turn someone's anxiety issues into something about you. Anxiety is a really serious thing, it's a very scary thing, and it's a very personal thing. My anxiety attacks, even when brought on by someone else (common examples: someone saying "We need to talk" someone not texting back, a phone call from a private number, running into someone you know unexpectedly, someone telling me they've got a surprise for me etc etc) it is still a very personal thing. It's something that no one can solve for you, it's something that I really need to work through myself. Turning my anxiety problems around to making them your problem, or God forbid threatening me and forcing me to do the things that make me more anxious when I'm having a meltdown are really just going to make me want to not be open with you about my anxiety.People with anxiety have odd coping mechanisms
Just like I said I don't like being touched, some people are the opposite. Some people breathe into bags, some people scream at the top of their lungs, a lot of people turn to music or deep breathing techniques, I like to get into small places. Don't knock someone's anxiety solutions. If it helps them, that's all the matters. I don't even like small places that much, I don't really mind them, unless they are crowded or dark, but I don't really like them either. But for some reason when I'm having really, really, bad anxiety I'll hide in the shower or the closet. Yes, I find it a horribly embarrassing feat, and I try to avoid it at all costs, but it's one of the few things I've found that can center me.Here's a special segment just for you lovely readers on things not to say to someone with anxiety.
"Calm down/Relax"
Number one worst thing to say to someone with anxiety. My best friend has anxiety as well and we refer to 'relax' as "the R word" because it's a word we hate to even use. If we simply could relax don't you think we would? Our brains are literally wired in such a way that we aren't capable of just relaxing. Because trust me when I say if there was a magic shut down button on our brains, we would all be hitting it! It's frustrating when someone tells you to do something you can't do. I wouldn't shoot you in the foot and tell you to stop bleeding on my carpet! If you want to get punched in the nose, by all means, tell someone mid panic attack to calm down."It's all in your head."
Oh my God, I've been living with anxiety all these years, how did I never figure that out! Oh wait. I did. Yes, we know it's all in our heads. And somehow, we still can't stop it?"You're just doing this for attention"
Okay, I'm a writer. Not a blogger, but a writer. I've finished (though not published yet) two novels and got a good three other works over 40k in. The whole reason I even got this laptop is to work on my novels. Seriously, if I needed attention, I could think of a heck of a lot better things than "I have anxiety." Creating fictional stories to draw emotions out of other people is literally what I do! And also, if I were doing this for attention I wouldn't run away and hide in the shower. I would go ahead and have my panic attack right in your annoying judgemental face. It wouldn't have taken me years before admitting to a single person that I have this problem. It wouldn't be something I only even bring up to certain people if I'm having an off day. I certainly wouldn't devote enough of my"You're over reacting."
Uhm, yeah, I probably am. That doesn't make me reaction feel any less traumatic though. So I'm over reacting in your eyes? That's cool. In my eyes I still can't even see straight from this."You don't have anxiety."
This is actually something I've only heard twice. Once from my mom and once from my grandma. I'd been open with my anxiety for years with my significant other but not my own family. When I finally broke my silence and voice my problems, they were denied. "A panic attack feels like a heart attack. You'd know if you were having a panic attack." Uhm, first of, yes, I do know when I'm having a panic attack, second off different people can actually experience different reactions with their anxiety. Third off, you don't have to have an anxiety attack to have an anxiety disorder. I have impending world doom anxiety feeling on an almost daily basis, have had many many really bad anxiety spells, but have only hand a handful of actual anxiety attacks. AND LASTLY. You should never try to tell anyone how they feel. Looking on the outside in, you don't know a single thing about that person. Looking at someone, you know their eye color, their hair color, a rough height and weight guesstimate, and you know what they tell you. Unless you can walk on water, or read minds, you don't know how someone is feeling inside. I've had plenty of people tell me before that they had anxiety or were depressed that I did seriously doubt, but guess what? I don't fucking know for sure! I can't take a pair of forceps, force open the ear, and climb in to examine their brain. I've got no clue what goes on in their mind, the happiest and most well put together people may be the biggest train wreck inside that you'd ever see. You don't ever get to question someone else's feelings because you don't know. It's bullshit, and I don't think my mom and grandma have ever pissed me off more than they did that day."Just take a pill."
The expression "take a chill pill" means something totally different for people who struggle with anxiety or depression. People like me? I am pretty sure I should go to a doctor about my anxiety because it sometimes feels crippling, definitely passed the point of interfering with my every day life, but I can't bring myself to go to a doctor. Doctors are a huge trigger for me. I don't know why, I've never liked going to the doctors. I think part of it is I always thought my pediatrician was perverted, maybe it's just another random irrational trigger of mine. I don't know. But I haven't gone to the eye doctor in probably six years and I can hardly read the screen a foot away from my face, I haven't seen a regular doctor in I don't even know how long. I had an OB while I was pregnant, and I've taken the kids to see their doctor with only mild panic, but otherwise no way. There have been times I've thought I was dying (thank you anxiety for turning my leg cramp into a blood clot and my headache into a brain tumor) but still didn't go. Figuring if it didn't go away I would in a few days. When I finally do go to the doctor I'm going to end up taking a notebook full of problems with me and he's going to be baffled at what the heck is wrong with me. And I just don't like medicines. It's not that I don't trust them, I think I might be afraid of getting addicted or something, who knows. But I don't even take tylenol unless I really think my brain is going to explode. I just don't want to be dependent on some sort of drug just to be normal. I've seen the giant pill organizer my mom and my grandma and my aunt have used and I just don't want any part of it.Remember folks, us anxiety filled people are human too. We tend to feel things stronger and definitely overreact, but you'd probably be surprised how hard we try not to.
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